Rating: Oh, NC-17. Adult situations here, people. If angsty, dark smut bothers you, don’t read this. If you’re not old enough, come back when you are. If you’re offended, don’t cry at me, I warned you.
Summary: Sydney tries to reconcile Julia’s life with her own. AU. ‘Ship: Julia/Simon, eventually Sarkney.
Disclaimer: I don’t own ‘em, much as I wish I did. They belong to J.J. Abrams, Bad Robot, and Disney…just not me.
Spoilers: Up to “A Missing Link” is fair game. After that is AU.
Distribution: Ask and ye shall receive. My loyalties are flexible, but stealing from me is not.
Note: This was my first fic, and I generally like it, except I got all annoyed when it turned into fluff. Boo-urns. It's still a WIP, and it will be a sadder ending than it's turning out right now. So don't blame me if it sucks. But it does.
It wasn’t her fault; they made her into this.
It had become routine for them: the team would go off on one of their “security” jaunts, return to the safe house, then Avery and Javier would make themselves scarce. At first she couldn’t believe she had complied so easily. Her mind had barely made a protest the first time they fucked. And her body…it had responded beyond her wildest dreams. She tried to tell herself that it was responding to two years of abstinence (she hoped), but she couldn’t deny it. Danny had never made her feel this way. Vaughn couldn’t even come close.
She had learned to reroute the laser mic easily. When Weiss asked her about anything, she feigned confusion. Everything was fine on her end. Weiss couldn’t read her as well as Vaughn. It was so easy to lie to him. Considering she had spent half her life lying to almost everyone, and having them all lie back to her, she figured she was pretty damned good at by now.
Vaughn. He recovered quickly, but Dixon wasn’t anxious to send him out again, especially since Simon and his men had tagged him. Well, now he could spend that time at home, with Lauren. She and Weiss were able to convince Dixon that they could handle it alone. And, given more time, that they could learn quite a bit from Simon, with all his connections to the Covenant. Dixon gave them the okay, even though almost everyone was against it. Jack nearly blew a gasket. She avoided him, except in the most public circumstances, so they couldn’t make a scene in front of everyone. She knew he probably suspected something. Could he see her?? Vaughn was troubled (big surprise), but Lauren seemed pleased. Bitch.
Thankfully Sark hadn’t come by again, or at least not when he could have spotted her. She was almost sure he hadn’t recognized her that first night. She figured if he had, he would have mentioned something, and she probably wouldn’t have lasted this long. She knew Simon didn’t sleep with any weaponry near the bed. He trusted her so well. Too bad she couldn’t say the same for herself.
She heard crude laughter come from the outer room. Javier, Avery, and Simon, drinking a toast to themselves and their success. She had deigned to listen to their congratulatory chatter this night. It was all the same anyway. She detested Avery’s leers at her. If he weren’t so good at what he did, she probably would have killed him long ago. She also felt uncomfortable around Javier. He had come to reluctantly trust her skills, but she could feel his eyes sweep over her at odd times, watching for her to slip. Her hands itched to kill him as well, but she knew she was safe. As long as she had Simon’s trust, the men would not harm her. If she didn’t kill them herself, there was a good fucking chance he’d do it, no matter how skilled they were.
She heard the goodbyes and the door slam. Damn. She had hoped for a few more minutes of solitude. Maybe he would stumble in here so drunk and elated that he wouldn’t be able to perform. It wasn’t that she didn’t want it. Fuck, she was horny. But was it Julia or not?? Thoughts of Jack, Vaughn, Weiss, Will, Lauren, Dixon, all passed through her head. That wasn’t Julia’s life. Julia’s life held death, money, and sex. No attachments. She needed to remember that. Then again, sometimes she wished all would go away.
“Babe,” that voice drawled behind her. She stood at the window, watching the street. She felt his warm body as his arms encircled her waist, and stroked her arms, “You’ve been quiet tonight. I figured you’d be all excited after tonight. I mean, you just screwed over the Germans for the second time in a month. That’s always something to be damned proud of.”
She turned in his arms. “I’m fine. Just waiting for those two jackasses to leave. Do you know how much I hate that fucking banter, trying to make “small talk” with one guy who’d love to stab me in the back, and one who’d love to stick around and watch us?”
He smirked as he leaned his head down to capture her lips. In between kisses, she murmured, “Besides, the less time spent out there, the more time spent in here.” With that she pushed him hard onto the bed and jumped onto him, ripping his shirt open and raining hot kisses down his chest.
“Damnit, Julia. I’ve only got so many shirts. We can’t fucking rip them all. And anyway,” he suddenly flipped her onto her back, pressing her body into the mattress, “You’re forgetting.”
He smiled wickedly, “My lead tonight.”
She shuddered, remembering the last promise she made.
Fuck, she thought.
He loved her in leather.
Red, black, hell, any colour, just as long as it clung to that lithe sexy body. She knew it, and so every mission had her in skintight leather. She actually liked the feeling of the smooth fabric against her skin. Plus it felt hot when he peeled it off of her. Tonight’s choice was pure ebony. Pants and a tank top, with nothing underneath, of course. Leather and underwear didn’t mix well. It was too hot, she hated panty lines, and it was one less piece of clothing to throw off in the throes of passion. Well, two less pieces.
Simon kissed her again, letting his tongue run over her lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into her, opening her mouth so their tongues could do battle. His hands roamed over her hips and up her body, thumbs brushing lightly over her breasts. She moaned and wriggled, hoping it would entice him to speed things up, but he smirked over her lips and kept letting his hands stroke her sides slowly.
One thing about Simon: he wasn’t a selfish lover. Oh, when the moments got overheated, sometimes neither of them gave a damn about the other. But she’d learned that Simon truly loved Julia, and he wanted her to have as much pleasure as possible, sometimes at the expense of his own. There were nights where he just liked to touch her, feel her climax under his hands, watch her face explode with ecstasy. He loved having her in control, straddling him, working her own rhythm over him. But he also loved to have her under him, feeling her body’s full reaction to the sex. It could be slow and antagonizing or fast, hard and furious, but he never let her go without reaching her peak at least twice over. He’d made her beg for it, but he never left her unsatisfied.
She could live with that.
Julia felt the fire between her legs start to get out of control, so she moved her hands over to his pant front. Her left hand undid the button and zipper as her right snaked over the obvious bulge that had been digging into her thigh. He thrust hard into her pelvis and as he sucked on her neck, moved his hands from her sides, took hers away from his aching groin and pinned them over her head.
“Mmmmm…my turn tonight, babe. You may have control the next five times, the next ten, but tonight is all mine,” he moaned into her neck. “I guarantee, you’ll be remembering this for a long while.”
Damn. She knew he was right. He wanted it slow and seductive, and she’d give in, like she always did. He could be so fucking stubborn when she tried to usurp his control. But she wasn’t going to be the submissive the whole time. He could tie her up and she could still drive him wild by simple thrusts, moans and a very experienced tongue. The first rule in this game of theirs: the submissive always has the control.
So she kept her hands above her head as his moved down to her body again. His mouth was doing very naughty things on the skin just above her breasts, and she was panting. He wasn’t even near the source of her frustration yet. She ground her hips into his, and he responded by slowly pulling the left strap of her tank with his teeth. The right followed, and he alternated with the two, occasionally licking and biting her hot skin. He did this until her breasts were bared in the low light, her nipples taut and begging for attention.
“God, I never get tired of looking at you,” Simon whispered, his voice reverent. “This exquisite body…all mine, forever.”
When he had first said that one night so long ago, she almost rolled her eyes at the cheesiness. But his words struck a chord in her soul. No one had ever worshipped her beauty, her person before. The others…they had been respectful, and in awe, but she had never felt special in their eyes. She was just another fuck to them. But Simon…his awe was real, about every aspect of her. It was like he was rediscovering her every minute, finding new feelings and movements that made him love her even more.
The trouble was, he was catering to Sydney’s need, Sydney’s desires. Simon had never had Sydney; all he knew was Julia. Too bad, she had thought a couple of weeks ago. He loves Julia, but she doesn’t love him. Sydney knows love; Julia only knows pain.
And she was only Julia with him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Her mind returned to the present as his lips softly captured her left nipple. He sucked so gently, nibbled once, and used his tongue to tease her into frenzy. His fingers were lightly brushing her right nipple at the same time, causing her to moan and writhe and arch into him for more. His ministrations were driving her into madness. “Simon, please,” she gasped, “I need…more. You’re driving me…inSANE!!”
He failed to respond, only moving his mouth over to her right breast and continuing the same torture he had inflicted on the left, while his fingers kept the left aroused with the feather-light strokes. “Si, please…please,” she groaned through gritted teeth.
Fuck, she hated begging. It made her feel weak, helpless, and Julia wasn’t helpless. But begging was the only way to make him continue, to fully satisfy her. Oh, eventually he would move on of his own accord, even if she hadn’t been reduced to begging like some virginal college boy. But he would take his goddamned time, keeping the same slow pace, his eyes smirking at her, conveying to her that he would do whatever she wanted if she’d just ask. And she’d learnt the hard way if she tried to satisfy herself. Her arms still held the bruises from that night. The silk scarves had been soft, but her straining made them weapons of their own right. She came twice that night without his hands even straying below the waist. She’d paid him back, though. She could torture his body almost as well as he could hers, but he wasn’t above begging. In fact, she would barely start and he would be screaming for more. Many a night his voice had grown hoarse with cries of mercy from her, but he got none, not until she was too horny to even taunt.
She hated him for that weakness. To the world, he came off as confidant, cool, undaunted with life. But five minutes alone together, and she could reduce him to a pathetic, whimpering child, wanting more NOW. It wasn’t the only thing about him that disgusted her, but it was high on the list. He wouldn’t ever deign to beg for his life, but for one touch of her, he would sell his soul.
She loved and hated him at the same time. That neither could fully control the other, it was sickening. She often had the upper hand, but he could control her sexually. Something she’d have to change. Losing control was Sydney’s weakness, not Julia’s.
“Simon, goddamnit, what more do you want?? I need you to touch me…take me…fuck me,” she yelled.
“Darling, all you had to do was ask,” he simpered innocently, and all of a sudden his hands were everywhere, pulling off her tank, swiftly stroking her inner thighs over the leather, laying hot kisses to her most sensitive area. Her hands moved down and grasped his hair, running her fingers through it as she pulled him into her. As long as they stayed on him, she was allowed to keep them down. He began the slow torture through the soft fabric, and her nails ripped down his back, her breath suddenly drawn from her. He murmured in pain against her clit and he hooked his fingers into the waistband and tugged gently. His hot breath was doing wild things to her, and he hadn’t even got her pants off. Suddenly he bit through the leather and she came, soaking her crotch and causing her to buck her hips violently. Her hands gripped the bedcovers and nearly ripped them apart as she screamed in ecstasy and agony at the same time. Once she was able to see straight again, she focused on Simon smirking down at her, his arousal evident in his pants, but no evidence that he had lost control like she had. Through heavy breaths, she spat, “Fuck me now, babe. Make this a night I’ll never forget.”
Damn him and his self control.
Simon’s hands moved up, undid her pants and slid them down her legs, leaving her naked and heaving, at his mercy. His eyes once again filled with adoration at the sight of her, wet and ready for him and him alone. Even in her aroused state, she found it oddly enticing, wanting him to want every part of her: mind, body and soul. A wistfulness gently drifted into the back of her mind, aching for someone who she could enjoy this with for eternity. She let it dwell for seconds, then pushed it away. That was a Sydney thought. Julia had control now.
Simon’s fingers were tantalizingly stroking her inner thighs, moving dangerously close to her center, but deliberately climbing back up at the last minute. She arched her back at every touch, but he was able to predict her movements, and kept away. “Si,” she panted, “I want this so bad…please stroke me…make me yours.”
“Anything,” he replied huskily, “for you,” and slid his right hand down, down, down to her silky lips. She moaned for more, her words slurring together with passion. His index finger stroked up and down. It flicked her clit, rubbed her inner lips, slipped lightly inside of her, then doing it all in reverse. Another finger joined the slow, repetitive journey, spreading her wetness all over her. He replaced the fingers with those of his left hand and brought the damp ones up to her lips. She licked and sucked greedily, tasting herself on his fingers. It drove her crazy, because it was something dirty, taboo, something that Julia enjoyed deeply.
The two fingers now finished their exploration and decided on a course of action. He slipped them deeply into her, making her hips rise off the bed and her neck to arch her head back. He began an achingly slow rhythm, almost methodical. Her hips began to move in time with his fingers, and their eyes met. Her amber orbs burned into him, letting them speak the words she couldn’t speak. His were teasing, knowing how he was torturing her to death, but she could see the desire pulsing through.
Without breaking the intense eye contact, he slowly lowered his head until he was level with her. His tongue flicked out and teased her clit back and forth. She sucked her breath in through her teeth and let it slowly hiss out. His fingers began a faster rhythm as he took her swollen clit into his mouth and began to suck gently. Gently at first, but harder and harder as his fingers picked up speed. Her hips began to buck in time, and she growled her need. His teeth ran over the hardened nub and her cry bounced off the walls. He could feel the walls of her insides clenching against his fingers and knew she was close. He drew his head away at that point and her head sharply jerked up, eyes blazing at the sudden loss of his welcome tongue.
“Well?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow at her, “Anything to say?”
“I hate you,” she spat.
“Julia, babe, as much as I love to hear your silky voice say such terms of endearment, that’s not what I’m looking for, and you know it.”
Her eyes flashed anger at him, but the desire was too strong to deny, “Simon…babe…please…now…” she panted.
He smiled. Not exactly what he wanted to hear, but she was too incoherent now. He would make her scream it later. His head moved back down to her clit and she arched into his face, moaning her pleasure. He suddenly moved his fingers and mouth into a furious rhythm, biting, sucking, licking, and alternating between her clit and her opening with his mouth, while his fingers slammed into her hard. She began to have trouble breathing, her head was thrown back in amazement, and her teeth were digging deep into her lower lip, feeling her body begin to build the intense release she had been praying for. His right hand came up to brush over her nipples and this brought a groan from her.
More, damnit! her mind screamed, but her throat had closed up and refused to let any words out. Her whole body was writing with pleasure on the bed, her hips thrusting wildly towards any type of touch from him. Suddenly his fingers hit that special spot, just as his teeth tugged on her clit, and her mind went spinning out of control. She vaguely heard screams, knowing they were hers. Heat rocketed all throughout her body, sending waves of pleasure that carried her over and over again. Her hands tightened so hard on the thin sheets that she felt them begin to rip away. She rode the waves of her orgasm ‘til they subsided and she lay back, panting and sweaty and still hot as hell.
As her mind came back to Earth, she was aware that Simon had moved back so his head was level with hers. Their eyes met and he pulled her in for a soft kiss. She ran her hands down his back, feeling the scars she had made before and pulled him into her. He rested his forehead against her shoulder and she felt his erection pressing into her leg, still clad in pants.
He raised his head in amusement and met her eyes again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“The way we go through sheets and shirts around here, well, even that computer chip we obtained tonight won’t pay for our linen bills,” he joked.
She smiled wickedly, “You’re blaming me for this??”
She pulled him closer into her, letting him feel how much she still desired him. “That…was beyond description, darling. But Si, I need you. I need you inside me, filling me completely. And I can feel you need me too. Fuck me, Simon. Fuck me until we both reach the stars.”
They kept their eyes locked as he swiftly rid himself of his pants and boxers. He’d been waiting all night for this chance; his clothes were so confining, but it reminded him of the control he had. So many times he had been close to release just watching her, but keeping his pants on made him remember that he could dominate her better if she couldn’t see how much he wanted her. It would be a strain, trying to keep from climaxing early, but he wanted to hear her say the words before he allowed both of them the final release. And she would say it. As much as she tried to keep aloof, he knew she was too aroused to deny herself.
He took his place over her, his tip just barely touching her opening. She moaned and shifted her hips up, but he pushed them down. He was in control. She hated that she couldn’t go at her own pace, but if she pushed too hard, he would stop, and at this point, she couldn’t afford to let him stop. She just hoped he wouldn’t make her say it. Begging was one thing; this was something else entirely.
Simon grasped his cock and began to rub it over her slit, moistening her all over again. Her eyes showed her desperation, and he leaned over to kiss her. He still tasted of her, his lips damp and sweet. Their tongues danced a furious tango together. She was near her breaking point, so he positioned himself, and ever so slowly buried himself deep inside her. Her legs parted involuntarily and wrapped around his hips, pulling him into her, trying to feel all of him at once. Her arms wrapped around his neck and her hands splayed in his hair. Just as slowly, he pulled himself out of her, causing her to moan and sob for him not to tease her like this. He kept the slow rhythm of thrusts, frantically trying to keep himself from spilling into her too soon. His hands rubbed her back, her breasts, ran through her damp hair, touched her everywhere he could, as if he was trying to memorize every inch of her body.
Their movements became more frenzied. He began to thrust harder, deeper, faster. She raised her hips every time to meet his, causing his cock to rub some interesting parts. His breath was coming in short gasps now. She had never quite recovered hers from the last orgasm and so she felt lightheaded, gulping in air like she could never get enough. She ran kisses over his neck and buried her face into his collarbone. Her mind was screaming thoughts at her, and while they seemed to run together, a few stuck out. Sydney thoughts, about love and passion and loyalty. About what Jack would say and the anger that would radiate. Would he forgive her this transgression? How Vaughn would furrow his brow and look so disappointed. How Lauren would look so triumphant, ready to hand Agent Bristow her suspension orders. Dixon, Marshall, Weiss, Will, the friends who looked at her with awe, how she was so perfect, their hurt at her betrayal.
STOP IT!!!! her mind shrieked at her. Julia, you are Julia. There is no Sydney anymore!!!
Her thoughts shifted and immediately Sark came to mind. She pictured him, not smirking with that cocky grin at how low she had sunk, but so hurt. She wanted to reach out to him, to cradle him close to her and let them both forget about the two years that had been stolen from them.
She realized that she was close to release, and she was able to focus on Simon pounding into her. Simon, who loved her so much, loved this fake. It was nothing of her, or was it?? His eyes were focused on her, and as she raised her hips and clenched her inner muscles, he slowed his thrusts and pulled himself out, until he barely had the tip in. She froze, her body demanding that she complete her passion. He looked down at her, his beautiful assassin and at once both held their breaths.
“Say it,” he whispered.
“Si…” she whimpered, “Please…don’t,”
“Julia, say it…please, just say it…”
“Si…” Her sobs were heartbreaking.
He pushed himself up, off of her, and had turned from the bed, his cock straining painfully and his mind insisting on just abandoning this idiotic plan and taking her, when he heard her draw a deep breath and:
“Je demande tellement peu!! Juste craignez-moi, m'aiment, font comme je dis et je serai votre esclave!!” *
The words were barely out of her mouth when his body covered hers again and he thrust deeply into her. Their mouths met in a frantic kiss as their hips rocked together. She screamed when she came, her body writhing under the intense orgasm. He continued to thrust hard, so close to completion, and only when her hands stroked down his back and pushed him into her did he finally come, spilling himself so deeply into her with a loud cry. He collapsed on her chest, waiting to come back down to Earth.
When their breathing became somewhat normal, he rolled over, careful not to slip out of her, and pulled her on top of him. She curled up on his chest and linked her fingers through his.
“That was truly amazing, Julia,” he chuckled.
There was no answer from his chest. He sat up slightly, looking down at her. “Jules, babe?? Did, did I hurt you? Please, answer me.”
She turned her head up at him and he saw the faint tears clinging to her eyes. “It’s…alright, Si. I promised.”
“Look, Julia, I…I just wanted to hear it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt y-”
“You didn’t, Si,” her voice was soft against his skin. “You’re right; it was amazing. I loved it.”
He sighed and pulled her closer. “Yes. Loved it.”
A beat, and then, “I love you.”
No response. He looked down and saw she had fallen asleep, cuddled to him. He smiled faintly and closed his eyes, contented.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
She waited until she was sure he was in a deep slumber, then pushed herself off him and went back to her stance at the window.
She was angry with herself for letting Sydney in. Hell, she was Julia. Sydney didn’t want this. Julia craved it: the intense sex without all the emotion behind. It had been fine for weeks; months now, where she was Julia with him, not letting Sydney get any kind of foothold into that. Sydney can’t understand it, as much as she wanted to. Those thoughts that came before disturbed her. She could care less about those people; that was another life, another world for her. They didn’t know her; they had no power over her.
Her mind wandered to that thought of Sark, just before the moment of climax. Had Simon let her finish then, she was sure Sark’s name would have echoed off the wall there. And even if Simon didn’t keep any weapons at arm’s reach near the bed, she knew how fast he was. She would have had a gun to her head or a knife to her throat before she could catch her breath. That thought didn’t scare her; rather, it was kind of arousing, wondering what he would do if she screamed another man’s name while he was fucking her.
Sark. Why Sark?? Surely it wasn’t Sydney; the only feelings she had for Sark were filled with contempt. Julia knew nothing of Sark. Where did the image of them holding each other come from?? And why was it bothering her so much? Damn, she thought angrily, this fucking job is getting to me.
Her anger was now directed at the man peacefully sleeping three feet away from her. He had almost denied her, wanting her to shout that damned line. The first time he had asked, she had refused, thinking he wouldn’t stop. He stopped all right, even denying her the ability to give herself release by tying her arms up with silk scarves. She had held out for five frustrating minutes, while he watched her, before she clenched her teeth and spat the phrase back at him. He liked it in French, but any language besides English was sexy. It was the words that were important to him. It was her ultimate submission to him, to cry for him to complete her by giving every aspect of herself willingly. Since he knew his only control of her was in the bed, he used it to his advantage. She hated herself for giving in so quickly. And even though she told herself the words meant nothing, that she shouted them in anger and frustration, her soul betrayed her. Every time she said the words, she was giving in to him. Sydney again, slipping through. Julia belonged to no one.
She turned back to the bed, suddenly realizing how tired she was. She laid on the ripped, wrinkled sheets and wrapped herself in her lover’s arms. Tonight was a glitch, she thought. Sleep and forget this all and tomorrow, Julia will be back, in control.
Her last thought before falling into a dreamless sleep was that she would burn every copy of that damned movie on the planet.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*-“I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”
Sydney unlocked the door to her apartment, threw her bag somewhere into the dark oblivion and collapsed on the nearest couch possible.
God, she was tired.
Thankfully Dixon had let them go home before the debrief. She was surprised; it had been their longest sojourn and they had had precious little contact with the CIA, owing to the fact that they had had little contact between Weiss and herself. There were two reasons for that. Julia had a life outside of Simon and they weren’t together 24/7, but lately, her “projects” for the Covenant had grown into a fulltime job. It almost seemed like every time they had completed one thing, the call would come, and they’d be off again. It was a daunting task, and it kept her from keeping tabs with Weiss as much as she’d like to.
The fact that Vaughn had been caught with her also is what kept her from seeing Weiss as much. She knew that she had Simon’s trust, but she couldn’t chance Weiss being in the same situation and her being caught in the Covenant’s hands with no CIA contact. It was dangerous, but when something immensely important came to her, she was able to pass it on to her partner without any of her “team” suspecting something was up. She liked that Julia’s life didn’t revolve around Simon. It made it easy for her to go back to LA when summoned. She disliked the constant travel, but being home made it easier for Sydney to thrive.
A third reason sprung to her mind, a reason filled with fire and passion, but she pushed it away quickly. That was a Julia thought. It was hard enough, having to resolve two separate people when she was halfway around the world, but LA belonged to Sydney. Julia had no life, no purpose being there. She needed to remember that.
Weiss’ knock startled her from her meditations. His body framed the door and helped block the light that was streaming into her eyes from the hallway. “Syd?? You alive in there, babe??”
She jerked herself off the couch at that. “Don’t you DARE call me that, Eric,” she snapped. As the last syllable left her lips, she froze, her back stiffening. Damn.
Weiss looked shocked at her outburst, but then smirked.
“Well, the bitch is back, eh??” he threw at her as he made his way to her fridge. “What’s the matter honey-bunch, the traveling too much for poor widdle Sydney??”
She stared at him like he had sprouted a third head for a second, then relaxed her pose and let her breath out with a silent sigh. She had attacked him on the plane for asking once again about any problems the mic on her end and the possibility of switching to a comm., so they could keep track of each other, or at least, he could keep track of her. She could have killed him on the spot for it. She had settled for biting his head off, but her fingers had itched to hurt him in some way. They’d fought, and both finally chalked it up to stress from having to keep this game face for so long. Syd especially, having to live a different life so often. So Weiss was just responding, knowing it meant nothing.
The truth was, the ‘babe’ had rattled her. That was Simon’s favourite name for Julia, and it had become too jarring to hear it thrown out casually from anyone else. She closed her eyes in frustration. Throwing off the “Julia” cloak was getting harder and harder each time she had to be “Sydney” again. She was so afraid of herself when she lost control like that. Julia didn’t want to talk about the mics because it would interrupt her times with Simon. Sydney…she didn’t know what Sydney wanted. It was nice having Weiss listening, but couldn’t he understand that she was big enough to take care of herself in the field?? He made such a big deal out of nothing.
Weiss was pulling two beers out of her fridge when she poked him in the back, saying, “Of course I’m bitchy, when you’re calling me ‘babe’ and ‘chick.’ How ‘bout being respectful of me as your equal?”
Weiss had a wicked grin on his face as he popped the tops of the bottles. “Oh, of course, Agent Bristow,” the sarcasm heavy on the word ‘agent’. “You are woman, strong, smart and independent. You don’t need a man to be the breadwinner, you have the right to choose your life as it should be, and seeing as you are all those things,” He handed her the phone, “I believe you should be the one to call for the pizza. Your choice on toppings, of course, but do remember that I’m a sausage and peppers kind of guy.”
She burst into gales of laughter at that, dialing up their favourite little restaurant that served California’s best pizza. She loved just hanging around with Eric, living like they were college students blowing off studying for the big test and getting drunk. It helped her not focus on the battles waging in her mind for a moment. “Since you’re being so caring and all, guess it’s my choice on the movie too, huh?” She set the phone down on its stand and began to browse through her selections. “How about Four Weddings and a Funeral? Sabrina? Casablanca?” Her smile grew deeper at the look of horror on his face. “No, wait. I have the perfect choice: Titanic. Love, Leo…it’s so-“ she was cut off as Weiss nearly broke his leg jumping over the couch at her.
“Alright, missy, I respect your right to choose in most fields: abortion, birth control, even pizza toppings. But if I have to watch one second of another ‘chick flick’, my choices will come down to hanging vs. drowning as a suicide attempt.” He tackled her and threw her down on the couch underneath him.
“AHHH…stop it, Eric, please…” she giggled as his hands tickled her sides. She brought her hands up to push him off by his shoulders, but as his hands moving exactly like Simon’s ran down over her hips, she found herself closing her eyes and gripping his shirt as she sucked in her breath. He moved to tickle her stomach and she threaded her fingers in his hair black, course like his and bit back a moan. She wished Simon would pulled her sweats off and take her, right there on the-
Sydney!!! her mind screamed, Wake UP!! This is Eric!! You have to be Sydney!! With that she snapped her eyes open and pushed him off, crawling to the other end of the couch as she smoothed her hair back, trying to hide how aroused she was.
“Syd, wha-? Are you okay?” Weiss stared at her, puzzled.
She rubbed her forehead, and then…calm. “I’m fine, Eric,” she said smoothly. “You just hit a bruise, and it hurt like hell. Besides, you had me helpless there! I couldn’t just let you torture me like that.”
“Well, the perfect and indestructible Agent Bristow admits to be ticklish! Now that I’ve found your weakness, I’m one step closer to taking over the world!! Bwah hah hah hah!” Weiss screwed up his face to try to look evil, but he ended up cracking up instead.
She giggled, “So, movie?? How ‘bout Ocean’s Eleven? Testosterone for you, eye candy for me…we both win in the end.”
“Sounds fine with me. I’ll go get it. Now don’t try to do something silly like stealing the beer, or blocking one of your movies in the VCR. Oh, and seeing as it’s your turn to pay…” he ducked as a pillow came flying at the door, “…I’ll grab some money, then?” He paused and turned around. “Seriously, Syd, I’m glad you’re okay. I worry about you when we do this.”
She smiled at him. “I know and I love ya for it, Eric.”
When he had gone, she let out the breath she had been holding. What the HELL had just happened? No, she knew what had happened. She had flashed back to Julia and Simon, even though she was Sydney. Another minute and she would have flipped him over and done something that would probably have her looking for a new apartment. And possibly a new partner as well.
No, it was the ‘why’ that was bothering her. And possibly the ‘how’.
Sydney walked to her bathroom, and began to splash cold water on her face, trying to cool her flushed face. Her hands shook and she slammed them on the counter to stop it. She stared at her face in the mirror. Amber eyes, filled with confusion; pinched forehead; her dark red lips pressed together. Two nights ago she had looked in the mirror at Simon’s and seen the same face.
Julia. Sydney. They were two exceedingly dissimilar women. One had a life, with a job, friends, a conscience. The other lived, but expressed herself differently, through pain and death and sex. She cared for nothing, had nothing to live for, but fought for life. Sydney was not Julia. And Julia was not Sydney…
“Syd?” Weiss’ voice came from the living room. “Did you run for cover?”
…or was she?
“Coming,” she yelled.
“So, we’re just going to let this continue??” Vaughn burst out.
They were sitting in the conference room. Sydney and Weiss had spent a grueling morning debriefing their last jaunt in Europe and now Dixon had called them in to discuss their next mission. Sydney was extremely tired. She and Weiss had fallen asleep in front of the television and were late this morning. She wasn’t up to hearing stupid excuses as to why she shouldn’t continue doing her job.
Dixon frowned. “Right now, Sydney is our best link to the Covenant and their plans. Simon Walker may be little more than a thug, but he knows what he’s doing and seeing as he has contact with Mr. Sark, we have been able to slow whatever plans are in work from this group. It’s best that we continue this way.”
She felt something quick pass through her at Sark’s name. No! she thought, Concentrate, girl. Sydney, Sydney… Her eyes closed involuntarily.
Vaughn sighed and rubbed his face. “I understand the importance, but what about the risk? Sy-Agent Bristow could get herself killed. Especially without a com to be able to contact Agent Weiss in an emergency. All I’m saying is, we need more people out ther -”
“And run the risk of losing more agents in the field, Agent Vaughn?” Jack Bristow’s voice was icy cool as he cut in on Vaughn’s rant. “I would think you, of all people, would understand that Sydney’s life is more dangerous the more contacts she has and so are the people who are in contact with her.”
Sydney hid a smirk behind her hand. Funny, though, that Jack would stand up for her like that.
“But I am concerned about the faulty laser mics. Is there nothing we can do about that, Marshall?” Jack turned to the stocky man sitting at the other end of the table.
Syd sighed and opened her eyes. There we go. she thought wryly.
“Look, there’s nothing…I mean, we’ve perfected those things down to a tee,” Marshall said. “Everything’s working fine on both ends, supposedly, I mean, I’m never there to see what’s going on, so something could be wrong and we wouldn’t know about it, or you could be doing it wrong…” he paused when Dixon frowned, “but, honestly, we’ve gone over every piece of equipment. There’s nothing wrong with it. You should be hearing everything, unless that is everything that…should be heard…” Marshall blushed at that last thought. Jack raised his eyebrows; Dixon shot the nervous man an amused glance; Vaughn’s forehead wrinkled and he looked flustered.
Sydney spoke up, “I really don’t see the problem here. I mean, we’re able to catch the mission specs and all that. To be quite honest, all you’re really missing is crude humour and sexual banter. Unless that’s what turns your cranks, I really don’t know why we have to listen in the entire time. I can take care of myself in tough spots, isn’t that right, Agent Vaughn?” She shot him a pointed look at that last part. He flushed, but kept quiet.
“No one is denying your skills as an agent, Sydney, but we do worry about you when we’re not able to hear what is going on when you’re with three fairly dangerous men. One whom we’ve assumed you had a relationship with over the past two years. What if something unexpected happens?” Jack’s forehead now mirrored Vaughn’s.
Sydney looked him straight in the face. “Simon trusts Julia. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her.”
“And what has ‘Julia’ done to gain this trust?” Jack nearly spat the words out.
The smooth accent stopped Sydney’s angry tirade. Damn, first they gang up on her like this and now having to listen to Lauren Reed? She didn’t need this. She wanted to go home. She wanted to leave, go back to Europe, get back to work.
“May I speak?” The pretty blonde waited for Dixon’s nod before continuing. “While I understand the inherent danger in Sydney Bristow’s job as double agent, and your concerns about not keeping in complete contact with her, might I remind you of the valuable intelligence that she has been able to secure. We are now much closer to shutting down this ‘Covenant’ group and perhaps more.”
“So you’re advocating this?” Vaughn looked at his wife in disbelief.
“Yes. The NSC believes that Agents Bristow and Weiss should continue until we have want we need.”
“And how do you propose we do that?” Jack’s voice cut in, annoyed.
Lauren turned and looked at Sydney. “By having Agent Bristow continue to do her job. You realize how important it is that you get what is needed, no matter what?” Her smile was smug.
Sydney looked at the faces around the table. If only they knew… a little voice in her head taunted. She shook her head and cleared her throat.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As she walked to her desk, Vaughn grabbed her elbow. “We need to talk,” he hissed.
“No, we don’t,” she wrenched her elbow from his grasp.
He grabbed her harder. “Yes. We. Do. NOW.”
She yanked her arm from his grip. “Fine.”
He led her into a quiet corner. They stood there, facing each other, until Sydney snapped, “You wanted to talk, talk Vaughn. Otherwise, I’ve got some things to tie up before I leave tonight.”
Vaughn’s eyes flashed angrily at her. “What was all that trust shit back there?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. ‘Simon trusts Julia.’ You never answered that question, Sydney, what exactly did you do to gain that trust?”
‘First of all, Agent Vaughn, I said Simon trusts Julia. And secondly, I don’t think it’s any of your goddamned business what I had to do to get him to trust her. Rest assured, it was nothing illegal. If you remember correctly, you are no longer part of this team. I don’t have to answer to you…hell, I don’t even know why you’re in the meetings! So why don’t you go back to worrying about your job like you should be, and leave me alone!”
She made to leave but Vaughn grabbed her again. “I can tell when you’re lying, Syd. I’ve always been able to. What exactly are you holding back from us? What have you done to get this idiot to trust you?”
She broke his grasp again. “Why does it matter, Vaughn? As long as Simon trusts me, we have the best link to the Covenant we could ever hope to get. Just leave it be.”
Before she could go, Vaughn blocked her way. “Trust you?? I thought he only trusted ‘Julia’? Or do you just make that distinction so you can justify whoring yourself?”
Sydney slapped him. Hard. His head flew back and slammed into the wall. Her hand hurt but she didn’t care. Anger coursed through her bones, and she needed to leave before something else happened.
She leaned in, saw a flash of fear in his eyes, and felt a thrill. “Stay the FUCK away from me, Vaughn.” She walked off, not looking back.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Weiss shifted slightly and began to snore. Good. He was asleep. The plane’s engine whined, but other than that, the cabin was silent, as she sat in the dark and thought.
God, she needed a drink.
She ran her thoughts back to her confrontation with Vaughn. The thrill that had engulfed her when she saw his fear had reminded her of that night she had stabbed him. She had been guilty as hell, but it had been an extreme high: seeing the pain in his eyes, the realization wash over him that she had actually stabbed him fatally. It was that look that spurned her on to do more. There was blood lust in her veins now. She understood why some hunted just to kill. The thrill of it all…it was a high better than anything. Well, except maybe the sex.
She couldn’t wait to get back. L.A. bothered her; she felt like she couldn’t get away fast enough. After her confrontation with Vaughn, her father stopped her. Thankfully Jack hadn’t seen anything. He was eager to talk to her, but she delayed it, making the excuse that she had to get to the bank before she left. She had spent an hour driving around the city, venting her frustrations by cursing at every other driver. Finally she had driven back to her apartment and packed a few necessities. Weiss had noticed no difference in her. He just chalked it up to the stress of the job that they were both experiencing.
She settled back in her seat. Vaughn’s comment no longer had her seething. She knew he had just said it to get her riled up. Poor bastard, she thought with a smirk. He’s so jealous, it’s driving him crazy. It’s funny how he can be so controlled by the women in his life…weakness…
She ran her hands down her leather covered body and sighed. No matter, she thought, as the plane began its descent. Sydney’s gone for now.
Julia was back.